Most of us are driven to avoid confronting feelings of helplessness, fear, inadequacy, and terror—emotions often triggered when we reflect on our inevitable death. This is not just about our physical death, but also the “ego-deaths”we encounter throughout life: moments when our self-image is threatened or shattered, when we feel exposed and vulnerable.
Our unconscious minds are conditioned to protect us from these feelings. We’re taught to avoid failure, weakness, guilt, and shame at all costs, because unconsciously we equate these feelings with death—either the death of our self-worth or the end of our current identity. But by resisting these death-related emotions, we inadvertently imprison ourselves in lives that feel incomplete and unfulfilled.
A Personal Revelation: Confronting Life’s Tragedies
In 1978, I was forced to confront the harsh realities of life and death. My father passed away, I was diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, my brother’s child was born with severe deformities, and my grandfather had both legs amputated. It felt like my entire world was falling apart. I struggled with these “tragedies” and couldn’t make sense of why so many core areas of pain were all happening within a couple of months.
In a dream during this time, I sought counsel from a wise old man. I told him about the overwhelming tragedies that had recently befallen me, asking, “Why is the world doing this to me? The world is beating the shit out of me” He looked at me with deep tenderness and said, “What did you expect? Of course, it is! Of course, people close to you die. It happens to everyone. Of course, there is sickness and death. This is the nature of life. Your resistance and avoidance are the problem, not the reality of these things.”
His words were a profound wake-up call. The dream revealed how much I had been avoiding the truth of life’s impermanence. By resisting death and the difficult emotions that accompany it, I had been living in a fantasy—a life disconnected from the true essence of living. In looking at this closely it was clear that virtually our whole society was and is doing the same thing.
The Unconscious Fear of Vulnerability
Most of us carry unconscious programs designed to protect us from the vulnerability of facing death, both literal and metaphorical. We are taught to fear failure and weakness, and to pursue goals that promise security, validation, and success. But when we cling to these illusions of invulnerability, we miss the deeper experiences of life.
This deep fear of vulnerability—of feeling powerless, inadequate, insecure, unworthiness or fear of death—drives us to seek external validation or material success as a way to shield ourselves. We attempt to create a strong sense of self so that we can believe we will feel as if we will live forever or at least stay distracted forever. Yet, this only leads to a sense of emptiness and unfulfillment. We may achieve great things outwardly, but privately outside of our awareness, we remain haunted by our inability to face our deeper emotional experience.
The Cost of Avoiding Death: Living in Denial
When we avoid confronting our “death-related” emotions, we unknowingly limit ourselves. For example, a man who is overweight may avoid confronting the vulnerability and discomfort of his physical state. The person struggling with intimacy may refuse to face the fear of rejection and loneliness. Similarly, an addict may use substances or behaviors to numb themselves, avoiding the deep feelings of emptiness, shame, guilt, and helplessness that arise when they confront their deeper suffering. In these situations, avoidance not only perpetuates emotional suffering but can also manifest in real consequences—such as chronic health issues like diabetes or heart disease, fractured and distant relationships, and the relentless cycle of addiction.
This avoidance is often subtle. People might address symptoms impulsively—trying to “fix” the external problem—without ever engaging with the deeper emotional pain. This is known as magical thinking, a process where one issue is treated superficially while the underlying cause remains unresolved and unfelt. For true healing, we must move beyond mere symptom management and begin to not only feel our suffering but learn how to care for ourselves while we are in our vulnerable states. This is not common, but it can be learned and practiced with dedication.
Self-Rejection: The Root of Avoidance
The core of this avoidance is often self-rejection. When faced with feelings of helplessness, fear, or inadequacy, many of us react with an unconscious urge to reject ourselves. Rather than embracing these emotions as part of our human experience, we immediately turn away from them—leading to deeper self-loathing again often unconscious.
The real problem is not the feelings themselves, but our intolerance toward them. These death-related emotions are part of being human. To heal, we need to accept them, witness them, learn how to care for them and allow them to be integrated into our understanding of ourselves. This process requires deep self-compassion and a willingness to experience discomfort, guilt, and even shame, without abandoning ourselves.
The Paradox: Embracing Death to Live Fully
The bottom line is this: if we live as though the goal of life is to avoid death—whether physical or emotional—we live in a state of unconscious denial. We mistakenly believe that by avoiding our vulnerabilities, we can become invulnerable, immortal, and fulfilled. But this is a fantasy.
The bad news is that this approach keeps us trapped in superficial lives. The good news is that by allowing ourselves to experience all of our dying states—the fear, helplessness, and inadequacy—we can access the freedom to live authentically. Only by facing these emotions directly can we stay connected to our heart, soul, and deepest yearnings and increase our chances of being fulfilled. Take a moment now to identify one area that you are avoiding and see if you can conjure up a wise longing to care for it with your thoughts and actions.
The Price of True Freedom
Facing death-related emotions is not easy. It requires us to be willing to die to the illusions of security and certainty that we cling to. But the price of avoiding death and vulnerability is a life devoid of true connection and fulfillment. The paradox is that those who are willing to embrace their own deaths, both physical and psychological, are the ones who will experience the greater fullness of life. True freedom comes when we stop running from our mortality and learn to live fully with it.
To experience this kind of freedom, we need let go of a lot of the need for control and security, and allow ourselves to feel everything: the fear, the grief, the terror, and the liberation that comes when we face the inevitable with courage and compassion.