When I began my training in therapy, there was a strong emphasis on adopting a “values-neutral” approach as a therapist. I understood the importance of avoiding the imposition of my own values onto clients, recognizing the risk of distorting the therapeutic process. Yet, early on, I felt an inner conflict about whether we also have a responsibility to guide clients toward certain foundational values, such as honesty (except where it may cause undue harm), empathy, compassion, communication, sincerity, and authenticity. However, instead of these values being championed, my experience has shown that far too many therapists—perhaps even the majority—have replaced them with an overemphasis on validating the client’s ego and selectively reinforcing their perspective, rather than objectively examining what would most benefit the truth and depth of peace in their lives.
As a supervisor and mentor, I’ve observed that many therapists fail to thoroughly investigate the entirety of a client’s situation and don’t always strive to understand how clients might distort the truth in ways that favor themselves. Validation, while important, needs to play a secondary role to deeply exploring the truth of the situation, as this approach ultimately serves the client and those connected to them. I’ve found few therapists who maintain a truly neutral stance that encompasses genuine care for both the client and their relationships, guided by a deep integrity.
When expanded into the wider world, this tendency for favoring validation over truthfulness, awareness, and consideration sets a troubling example. If we consistently prioritize our own validation over mutual understanding and thoughtfulness, it may support a superficial sense of confidence or “ego strength” but prevents true personal and essential growth. In therapy, both therapist and client need to ideally support each other in fostering values that transcend individual validation, including honest introspection, questioning assumptions, and ensuring we understand the full story. This may mean that as therapists, we need to cultivate a healthy skepticism, questioning whether clients are withholding or shaping information to avoid difficult truths about their own behavior and attitudes.
For example, I believe that it is crucial in any long-term therapeutic relationship for the therapist to regularly ask, “Are there areas you might not be telling me the full story on or avoiding sharing something that may not show you in the best light?” This question is part of my standard practice and something I pass on to those I mentor.
I believe the entire field needs to be more vigilant about favoring our clients at the expense of fostering true intimacy, self-compassion, and a model of integrity that extends beyond therapy—one that can serve as an example the world deeply needs.
There are several other areas that we’ll explore in the section that are not centrally in the training that we receive as therapists that include and lucid distinction between feelings and needs and how to communicate more centrally from our needs, utilizing tone of voice as a vehicle for healing, and supporting our clients to become very clear about what their true essential values are and encouraging them to see the times when they aren’t following this part of themselves. By elucidating our clients own most dear values and helping them see when they aren’t following this essential core we lessen or eliminate the risk of laying our values onto our clients.