This journey is about discovering the value of wisdom in adversity. I invite you to apply any part of my experience to your own life—this is for you. My path led me to deepen my capacity for what I call a “friendly mind.” As you read, I encourage you to reflect on your own moments of struggle. When have you faced a deep challenge? How did you respond?
A little over two decades ago, I had a kidney transplant. The medication I needed caused a severe reaction—I could only sleep one hour a night for six months. The result? A state of exhaustion beyond description. My body felt wired as if I were on speed, and emotionally, I was completely shattered inside—anxious, agitated, and deeply depressed. I wasn’t in physical pain, but emotionally, I was at rock bottom.
After months of barely sleeping, I noticed that my thoughts, particularly at night, were fueled by anxiety: Will I feel this dead for the rest of my life? This state of emotional devastation lasted ten years. I asked myself, What can I do while this lasts? The answer came to me clearly: I will not listen to the voice of my anxiety and helplessness, especially at night, because it is nothing but fear-based predictions and darkness.
I wasn’t sure I could maintain this mindset, but I committed to it. Now, 25 years later, it remains a fundamental practice. When my mind starts spiraling into an anxious future, I say ”No!” and silence it. In the early years, I would catch myself within seconds of an anxious or depressed thought and remind myself, this thought is of no benefit to me. You don’t know the future, and you’ve been wrong 95% of the time.
The Birth of Friendly Mind
I debated whether to call this practice “friendly mind” or “wisdom.” Friendly mind didn’t mean I could feel good—I was unable to experience positive emotions—but it did mean that my thoughts were always constructive and wise.
Now, take a moment for yourself. Have you ever experienced deep fear, anxiety, or anger? Imagine if you had the ability to guide yourself away from thoughts that fuel these emotions. Have you ever succeeded in doing so? How often? Would you want to develop this ability further?
It is natural to let our emotions control our thoughts, but learning to interrupt this cycle requires practice. Can you see how essential this skill could be, especially in moments when your mind is working against you?
The Shift: Prioritizing Wisdom Over Emotion
I focused on my core intentions: to be and do good for the world and myself. Though I couldn’t control my emotions, I could control my thoughts. This might sound like a consolation prize, but it turned out to be the most profound psychological and spiritual development of my life.
Imagine this in your own life—when your emotions overwhelm you, can you shift your focus away from destructive thoughts? Wouldn’t it be a relief to quiet the mental noise that fuels your suffering? Does this idea resonate with you?
We often believe our feelings are the most important aspect of our experience, but I discovered something deeper—wisdom is far more valuable. Our emotions are heavily influenced by hormones, chemistry, and past trauma, but our ability to choose our thoughts remains within our power.
Living with Intention
Practicing this mindset didn’t bring instant relief, and often not for quite some time, but it helped me keep going.
I continued working as a therapist and teacher. For clients who knew about my transplant, I explained my ability to operate on two levels—devastated on one level, but deeply guided by wisdom on another. For others, they had no idea what I was going through.
Often, I would ask myself, How can I best take care of myself right now? Sometimes the answer was to fully engage with my clients, other times it was as simple as lying down with my hand on my heart to ease my exhaustion. This practice didn’t make me feel good, but it created an inner knowing of well-being.
Even in conversation, I reframed the common question How are you feeling? Instead, I asked people close to me to say, How are you doing with your response to your exhaustion or anxiety? This shift allowed me to be seen without reinforcing negative feelings.
Can You Make This Shift?
Can you imagine yourself stopping a negative thought pattern when your emotions take over? If you didn’t feed your feelings with more anxious thoughts, wouldn’t they lose some of their intensity and duration?
It took walking through fire for me to learn this lesson, but it set me up for deep gratitude in later years. The ability to guide myself, no matter how I felt, became my greatest asset.
Could this be a practice you integrate into your own life? What would change if you led with wisdom instead of emotion?