There are countless keys to successful love relationships, but in my years of experience as a psychotherapist and from my own personal life, there’s one that stands out as the most crucial:
It’s essential for each of us to learn how to learn how to enjoy asking the ongoing question, “How do we take care of both of us?”This process begins with learning to tune into ourselves and identifying what feelings and situations truly affect us on a deeper level. While this may seem straightforward, it’s surprisingly difficult for many people to achieve without guidance, whether through therapy, meaningful friendships, or unique family dynamics.
Equally important is the ongoing work both partners must do to identify the thoughts, needs, and actions that will help them through these challenges. In this article, we’ll explore how to pinpoint both the struggles and the solutions that support well-being and healing. The final step in this process, though seemingly simple, is profound. Once both partners are able to articulate their challenges and needs, they need to find the universal place inside that is inspired and overjoyed to be able to find a partner who also wants to ask: How can we best take care of both of us?
It sounds simple, doesn’t it? But in reality, most of us find it challenging just to recognize our own feelings and needs, let alone consider those of our partner at the same time. This skill develops gradually, and in my experience, it can take decades for many couples to make this a consistent reality.
The First Step: Identifying Your Own Challenges and Needs
To begin, we need to be able to identify our own difficult feelings. Most people can easily pinpoint a few challenging emotions, and we often navigate life’s challenges—like money issues, family dynamics, concerns about the future—in isolation. To truly connect with each other, we learn to feel our emotions honestly and humbly and share them with our partners. It helps tremendously to use tools like The Introspective Guides. These guides identify 75 common feelings and 75 needs/actions that promote healing, giving any couple a powerful starting point to better understand themselves and each other.
When I ask clients or friends about their most difficult feelings, it’s often clear that they can’t articulate what’s going on inside. They may understand the basics, but the details are often fuzzy. This lack of deep emotional literacy was a surprising gap in my early training in psychology, and it’s important to recognize that many therapists may not always guide you through this essential work. It’s easy to assume that once we scan a list of emotions, we’ve got it all figured out—but true emotional awareness takes practice, especially in moments of stress.
Ask yourself:
What is the most challenging emotion or situation I’m facing right now? “What are the needs, thoughts, and actions that would support me in this moment?”
It’s helpful to do this daily, even if it’s just a quick mental check-in. Make a note of how receptive you are to applying this question in your own life when emotions or situations are particularly difficult. While you are doing this, it is often helpful to imagine sharing this with your partner, and if you don’t have one, reminding yourself that this is an aspiration.
At this stage, we’re still focusing on our individual needs. We’ll explore how to take care of both yourself and your partner later on, but it’s vital to understand and meet your own needs first—otherwise, you can’t truly step into your partner’s world.
Putting It Into Practice: A Real-Life Example
Let’s look at a scenario that’s common among couples, friends, and clients.
Sarah (representing many of us) has just told Bill that she didn’t like the way he spoke to her.
With some agitation in her voice, she says, “I don’t like the way you were talking to me when you said that you wanted me to be more proactive with intimacy.”
Bill, still irritated, responds with, “You really can’t handle my honesty. I don’t know why I bother.”
Now, take a moment to reflect on this.
How often have you been in a situation where blame quickly shifts from one partner to the other? This shift in communication, where both parties get stuck in frustration, is often the reason couples start to fall apart. Most couples don’t hear the tone in their voice or truly understand how to ask, “How can we take care of both of us?” This moment can be a breakthrough or a breakdown, depending on how it’s handled.
I asked Bill to try again and really listen to the tone in his voice. He repeated his words, but with the same frustration, only to aggravate Sarah further. So, I had him role-play with me: I asked Bill to first check in with Sarah, to make sure she was open to hearing his request.
“Sarah, is it okay if I express a need right now? Is this a good time to talk?”
By asking for permission, Bill showed respect for Sarah’s emotional state, and that’s a key part of caring for both people. Once Sarah gave her consent, Bill rephrased his request:
I miss our intimacy, and I’d love it if you could take the lead sometimes. I don’t want to feel like I’m pushing you.”
Sarah was touched and responded, “I’d be happy to respond more, and I miss our intimacy too. Maybe we could start with more hugging and kissing before anything more sexual?”
This sparked a meaningful conversation, and both Sarah and Bill adjusted their attitudes and listened more carefully to each other. They succeeded for a couple of months, but as is common, frustration would leak back into their communication. Over time, they learned to recognize the signs of miscommunication and found it easier to ask for what they needed, rather than pointing out what they didn’t like.
The Key to Deepening Intimacy: The Question
So, what truly deepens intimacy in relationships? It’s the ability to sincerely ask, “How can we take care of both of us?”
This simple question, when asked from the heart, represents a significant shift in mutual love and understanding. But as we’ve said, we can’t get to this place of mutuality unless we first understand and articulate our individual needs.
The danger here is that once we’ve learned how to express our needs, we might think, “Great, I’ve done my part. I’ve communicated my needs perfectly.” But this is just part of the journey. True intimacy comes when both partners hold each other’s needs in equal regard, working together to nurture both their individual desires and the relationship as a whole.
In time, many couples reach a point where they think about their relationship as a shared space of needs. Think of Sarah and Bill after a few months of practice: “Is this a good time to talk about what we both need?” The conversation is much softer now, with both partners considering each other’s desires: “I understand you want more physical affection before we become intimate, and I’ll do my best to honor that. Does that feel good to you? Is there something else you’d like to focus on?”
This is the kind of connection that fosters deep intimacy and love. But it requires follow-through and patience. When either partner slips up, the other gently reminds them, “I know it’s hard to remember, but I’d appreciate it if you’d slow down a little when we’re together.”
This kind of communication creates a genuine, loving partnership—one where both people are committed to understanding and meeting each other’s needs. It’s a beautiful evolution, one that can apply not only to romantic relationships but to friendships, work dynamics, and family connections as well.
Though none of us were taught this growing up, it’s worth dedicating ourselves to learning it. As we do, we not only enhance our relationships but also contribute to a more caring and thoughtful world.
Deepening intimacy in a relationship is an ongoing journey that requires patience, self-awareness, and mutual care. By consistently prioritizing both your needs and your partner’s, you can create a stronger, more connected bond. Remember, love isn’t just about sharing moments; it’s about listening, understanding, and growing together. With dedication, your relationship can flourish and reach new depths of intimacy.